Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
