i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I want to fling myself into the sun
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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