that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
