Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
