if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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