When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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