Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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