I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
