the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
