everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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