***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
