Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
