It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
