This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
