What did we do last night that was yellow?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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