Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
