A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
