Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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