was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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