Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So many bounce houses so little time
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
