They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
