That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
