Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
