i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
