I didn't shave. On purpose
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
