Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
