apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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