Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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