Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
