He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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