took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
