i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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