Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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