Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
