I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
