I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
