mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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