I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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