My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
