Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
