my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
