is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
