Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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