im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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