last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
