i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
