she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
