Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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