i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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