Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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