once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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