I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
